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The Final [Girl] Review: Paranormal Activity

Greetings readers,

Today, this review is about a movie I thought for sure would frighten me. Found-footage style cinematography, unseen paranormal forces terrorizing people, unsettling imagery. I was so excited to feel fear. Spoilers: I didn’t.

Guy and Girl (I’d try to remember their names but both the characters are vapid and boring so I don’t care) are dating and living together. It’s a known fact that Girl has been haunted in the nighttime by s o m e t h i n g ever since she was little- however this fact was only brought to light after they decided to move in together.

My lord… this movie was a dumpster fire with almost zero redeeming qualities.

Now readers, I don’t know about you, but if I’ve been stalked at night by some unseen force, I’d be a lot less lackadaisical with my feelings towards it. Girl speaks of this t h i n g as though it’s an annoying coworker who is prone to texting her in the wee hours of the morn about its lost hopes and dreams. Now THAT’S scary.

Guy, who is an arrogant nob, is so involved in his new video camera it’s a wonder these people are dating at all. He buys this (presumably expensive) recording equipment in order to see if there is any evidence of the nighttime hauntings. Okay, smart idea Guy, I applaud you there.

With the camera set up, we are shown multiple nights of off-and-on happenings usually starting around 2:00 am. When it begins, we hear an intense, low vibrational humming. Then we can see footage of lights clicking on and off, hear items being dropped on the floor downstairs or heavy footfalls throughout the house, their bedroom door shuts seemingly without reason, and even Girl gets out of bed and stares at Guy for hours while he sleeps. Eventually they bring in a medium (it’s about time…) who confirms this isn’t your garden-variety ghost, but in fact a demon. The medium refers them to speak to a demonologist who (gasp!) is out of the country for the duration of the film.

At one point Guy has a brilliant idea to try and track the demon walking through their house with baby powder. However, the scariest part is this demon is dumb enough to actually walk IN the powder and track it into their room. The amount Guy sprinkled on the floor down the halls and in front of their bedroom was so small a toddler would have easily leapt over it. Anyway, this silly demon indeed tracked some powder into their room that night. The footprints: frog feet. Undeniably, they were giant, three-toed frog feet. Readers, I’m more scared that there are great big invisible toads on the loose in the suburban United States than some demon who sets Ouija boards on fire (Yep that happens too and the result: no Ouija boards were hurt in the making of this film. The special effects were that bad- no scorch marks to be found on the board upon Guy’s later inspection).

These characters are absolutely unbelievable; the acting and script were atrocious. The premise would have been great but was poorly executed. I wanted more paranormal activity (pun intended) than just low humming and nighttime standing, I wanted less amphibian footprints and more demonic violence. I’ll admit some of the scenes were a tad creepy (demon screams in the final act!) but by and large, this movie just made me cringe.

Good movie: NO WAY

Scary movie: NO WAY

Horror Qualifier: 10/10

Horror Quality: 4/10

Film Quality: 3/10

I’m frightened… I may never find a Very Scary Movie…

- Final Girl

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